the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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