Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
