I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
