i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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