He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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