So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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