the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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