I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
