Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
