I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize