can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
