I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
