Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
