Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize