I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
