Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
