you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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