I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Randomize
