Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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