My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
