they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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