She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
