If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
