My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
