I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
