You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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