I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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