come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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