just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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