Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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