I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
