Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
