Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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