Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
