Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Oh god it's open bar.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
