I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...