he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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