As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
