she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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