i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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