Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
false alarm, still single
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
