Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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