I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
