Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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