oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
