last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
