I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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