oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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