we made out on top of his cat.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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