dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
