The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Shitshow foam night was such a success
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
