i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
