Tell her she can't have a vagina
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
